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Jokes About the Old and infirm

The Motor Show

A very old lady visited the annual Motor Show, and asked one of the young, dashing salesmen to explain to her how a motor-car worked.
The young man plunged into an elaborate account of the workings of the internal combustion engine, the carburettor, spark plugs, pistons and gears etc.
The old lady nodded intelligently at intervals, and when the young man finished, thanked him for such a complete and interesting description.
The old lady turned to the car with a puzzled expression on her face.
The young salesman noticed and asked her if there was anything he had not explained properly to her.
"Yes, there is one thing i don't understand" she said,
"Where do you light the fire???"

Sent in by
Gordon Perry

You Know Your Old When...

  • Just as you learn the secret of life, you life is gone..
  • You always stop at a red light..
  • You respect your elders but can't find one..
  • You look on a donation to the church as an investment..
  • Your birthday cake is a fire hazard..
  • You don't need glasses.....you drink straight from the bottle..
  • You bend over to tie a shoe lace and try to think of other things to do while your down there..
  • You don't date people your own age because there are no people your own age..
  • You read read the obituaries every morning to check if your there..
    Jokes About Kids

    Where Do I Come From Dad??

    A little boy came home from school one day and went straight to his dad in the kitchen.

    "Daddy. Where do we come from...?"

    His father, having dreaded this moment, had the facts and the words to use all prepared.
    He gently explained to his son about the birds and the bees, the difference between men and women and many other delicate subjects.
    When his father finished the little boy nodded and thanked his father for such a great explanation about sex and women. He got up and headed for the door.

    His father, greatly relieved to have gotten this out of the way, stopped his son to ask him why he had come to ask this now.
    To which the little boy replied:-

    "I just wanted to know because Steven next door said his family came Boston!"

    Silence is golden..

    Little Sally had been born 8 years ago to delighted parents.
    She had been a model child and always had everything she could have ever wanted.

    But Sally had not spoken a word in her entire 8 years alive. The doctors, psychiatrists and therapists had all tried to help but to no avail....

    One day, while sitting at the table, Sally suddenly exclaimed to her mother..

    "Mommy, these fries are freezing cold!"

    Her mother, in astonishment, asked her daughter..

    "Sally!!!You can speak....Why have you never spoken before????"

    To which Sally replied..

    "Well, everything's been alright up till now.."

    An Educated Guess!!

    These three boys have just got their grades from their female sex education teacher. One of them got a D+, the second one got a D- and the third got an E. "We should get her for this," says the first boy. "Yeah, let's grab her..." says the second.

    "Yeah," interrupts the third, "And then let's kick her in the nuts."

    Little Johnny
    Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
    "Why?" asks the father.
    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6'"
    "But that's right!"
    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"

    "What's the freakin' difference?" asks the father.

    "That's what I said."

    What's Sex
    A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

    His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

    When she had finished, the lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

    What's for breakfast Mom?
    A 7 year boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan. "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'Hell' and you say 'fat ass'." The 4 year old happily agreed.
    As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replied, "Ah, hell, mom, I'll have some Cheerios."
    WHACK! The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
    With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to her younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
    "I don't know," the 4 year old blustered, "but you can bet your fat ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

    Topical Jokes

    Christmas traditions..

    It was a very stressful Christmas Eve for Santa.
    Four of his elves were sick, and the trainees couldn't do the work right.
    Then Mrs. Claus says that her mother is coming for a visit,
    stressing Santa even more.
    He then checks on his reindeer.
    Three are about to give birth, and two run off to who knows where.
    Santa then decides to get coffee and whiskey. The elves had hit the liquorboard already and emptied it.
    Then the doorbell rings, and Santa swore on the way to the door.
    There's this little angel carrying a big Christmas tree.
    She asks,

    "Hey fat man, where would you like me to put this tree?"

    And that is the story of how the little angel got to be on top of the Christmas tree.

    The End

    Computer and Technical Jokes

    Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi
    Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tamagotchi maker, Bandai.

    Microsoft is claiming that the Tamagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.

    Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated
    "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology".

    The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.

    Celebrity Jokes

    A hangover for Marilyn Monroe..

    Marilyn Monroe had a night out on the town with her friends.
    She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

    "Geeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

    "Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

    "But my dress?"

    "It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"

    "But what about my underwear?"

    "I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them".

    "What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

    "Only the first time, Madam."

    sent in by:
    John Gresham


    Work this out..

    A women had two sons born on the same day.

    Both were identical. Exactly alike.

    These boys were not twins!
    Can you explain?

    Click here to find out the answer.

    Occupational Jokes

    The long arm of the law!
    A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

    "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

    "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

    The defendant smiled.

    With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

    Doctors verses Attorney
    Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
    "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
    While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
    Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
    As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

    "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"

    A special Mechanical Ability..

    A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers.
    He'd always enjoyed tinkering with cars, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
    The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.
    "Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart.
    Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job.

    And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

    Surf 100% Faster

    Sporting Jokes

    Two naked statues (a man and a woman) had been standing looking at each other in a park for a hundred years. One day, an angel came to visit them and said since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life to do whatever they have wanted most. The two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly, laughed a bit and said, "Shall we?" and "Yes, let's do!" They dashed for the bushes, from which shortly was heard giggling, laughter and the shaking of branches. After a quarter hour, they came out from the bushes all hot, flustered and happy. The angel said they had only used half their time and why didn't they start all over again. The statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "Ok, let's do it again. Only this time we'll do it the other way around. YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on its' head." Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place.

    First Guy: "You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing today. I had to promise my wife that I'd build her a new deck for the pool."

    Second Guy: "You're lucky. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."

    Third Guy: "You guys have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I'd remodel the kitchen for her."

    They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy hadn't said anything. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

    Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30AM. When it goes off, I turn it off, nudge my wife and say "Golf course or intercourse?" She says "Don't forget your sweater."

    A War Zone
    Jimmy Johnson put together the perfect Dolphins team for '98.

    The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback to replace the injured Dan Marino.
    He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but couldn't seem to find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
    Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in Palestine. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.
    First, he throws a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away -- ka-BOOM!
    Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-BLOOEY!
    Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.
    "I've got to get this guy," Jimmy says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
    So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football.
    Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns. The Dolphins go on to handily win the Super Bowl.

    The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXV and when Jimmy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. Jimmy arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom," the young man says into the receiver,
    "I just won the Super Bowl!"
    " I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son."
    "I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads.
    "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
    "No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight...."

    The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Miami.

    Animal Jokes

    Stupid Fish
    Q: Why are fish so easy to play pranks on?
    A: Because they always fall for them hook, line and sinker!!

    Thanks to:
    Steven Gimenez

    Animal Prozac
    Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"

    The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

    The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
    "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

    The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

    The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

    The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

    Still as a statue
    Two naked statues (a man and a woman) had been standing looking at each other in a park for a hundred years.
    One day, an angel came to visit them and said since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life to do whatever they have wanted most. The two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly, laughed a bit and said,

    "Shall we?" and "Yes, let's do!"

    They dashed for the bushes, from which shortly was heard giggling, laughter and the shaking of branches. After a quarter hour, they came out from the bushes all hot, flustered and happy.
    The angel said they had only used half their time and why didn't they start all over again. The statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue,

    "Ok, let's do it again. Only this time we'll do it the other way around. YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on its' head."

    Taliban / Taliban / Bin Laden Jokes

    Lots and Lots
    Q: What do Kabul and Hiroshima have in common?
    A: Nothing,.... yet.

    Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
    A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

    Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
    A: Duck

    Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
    A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

    Q: Why does the Afghanistan Navy have glass bottom boats?
    A: So they can see their Air Force.

    Q: What do Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common?
    A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

    Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of shit?
    A: The bucket

    Q: How do you stop a Taliban tank?
    A: Shoot the guys pushing it.

    Jokes about Men

    Women can be so cruel..
    Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

    Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

    Man: "Is this seat empty?"
    Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

    Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

    Man: "Your place or mine?"
    Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

    Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."

    Man: "But I don't know your name.
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

    Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
    Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

    Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
    Woman: "Do not Enter"

    Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized!!!"

    Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
    Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

    Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
    Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

    Man: "I know how to please a woman."
    Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

    Man: "I want to give myself to you."
    Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

    Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
    Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

    Man: "Your body is like a temple."
    Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

    Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
    Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

    Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
    Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

    Jokes about Women

    Men are such pigs..
    Toughest Questions...

    ... The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers...

    The questions are:

    1. What are you thinking about?
    2. Do you love me?
    3. Do I look fat?
    4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5. What would you do if I died?

    What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

    Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

    The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

    This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
    a. Baseball.
    b. Football.
    c. How fat you are.
    d. How much prettier she is than you.
    e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

    Question # 2: Do you love me?

    The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is In order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
    a. I suppose so.
    b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
    c. That depends on what you mean by love.
    d. Does it matter?
    e. Who, me?

    Question # 3: Do I look fat?

    The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
    a. Compared to what?
    b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
    c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
    d. I've seen fatter.
    e. Moo!
    f. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

    Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
    Incorrect responses include:
    a. Yes, but you have a better personality
    b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
    c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
    d. Define pretty
    e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Question #5: What would you do if I died?

    A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

    WOMAN: Would you get married again?
    MAN: Definitely not!
    WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
    MAN: Of course I do.
    WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
    MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
    WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
    MAN: Yes, I would.
    WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
    MAN: Where else would we sleep?
    WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
    MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
    WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
    MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

    Jokes that don't fit anywhere else..

    Men are such pigs..

    Q. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
    A. The pickpocket snatches your watch.

    Q. What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
    A. Well-hung.

    What's the definition of mixed emotions?
    When you see you're mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

    What's the height of conceit?
    Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

    What's the definition of macho?
    Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

    What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
    One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with the other is used to carry groceries.

    Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
    Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

    How do you double the value of a Yugo?
    You fill it with gas.

    What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
    Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

    Have you heard George Michael's new song?
    It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go.

    I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double -
    The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

    What is forty foot long and has eight teeth?
    The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
    God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What is 8 straight days of oral sex?
    Hanukkah Lewinsky.

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